The Fulmer Cup Edit
The Fulmer Cup is awarded prior to the start of the regular season to the college football program whose players, during the off-season, collectively accumulate the most points; points are assigned for negative law enforcement contacts (a.k.a arrests,) and are scaled for severity of alleged offense. The Arkansas Razorbacks "won" the 2012 Fulmer Cup, and their victory represents a three-peat for the Southeastern Conference (ESS EEE SEE SPEED!!!) The Cup is overseen by Boardmaster Brian, Reggie Nelson, and their enormous penises, and was named in honor of the largest unemployed head coach not named "Mangino."
To be eligible for Fulmer Cup points, a player must, a) be on the program's roster (no alumni or verbal commitments,) and, b) commit the offense(s) during the off-season.
Points are assessed based upon the severity of each alleged offense, on a scale of 1 (for "drankin', suspended license, and assorted petty misdemeanors") to 5 for murder, and we assume, sassing Aunt Stabby. Points are accumulative, and thus a player who steals a pig (petit theft, 1 point) then a car (3 points,) sexually assualts said pig (beastiality, 4 points) before drunkingly wrecking the stolen vehicle (DUI, 2 points) would be assessed a total of 10 points. In said hypothetical scenario, it is assumed the player would cover the bond by hocking his 2007 national championship ring, and thus be out in time for his parish's Mardi Gras festivities.
2014 California Poly Mustangs
2013 Vanderbilt Commodores *Never officially awarded. Can be considered vacated.
2012 Arkansas Razorbacks
2011 Auburn Tigers
2010 Georgia Bulldogs
2009 South Florida Bulls
2008 Alabama Crimson Tide
2007 Illinois Illini
2006 Marshall Thundering Herd
Ellis T. Jones III AwardEdit
Prior to the summer of 2006, Ellis T. Jones III was a WR/DB of little reknown, enrolled at San Jose State, a school of even less reknown. One stun gun and double-digit felony arrests (and convictions) later, he became an EDSBS god. The Ellis T. Jones III Award is earned by the player who single handedly earns the most points for his university. However, the "Ellis T. Jones III Rule" states that no program that accumulates points based solely on the misdeeds of a single player is eligible for the Fulmer Cup.
- 2014 Samuel Marshall, William & Mary
- 2011 Troy Evans, Marshall
- 2010 Nigel Carr, FSU
- 2009 Trent Pupello, South Florida
- 2008 Jimmy John, Alabama
- 2007 Ronnie Wilson, Florida
- 2006 Ellis T. Jones, San Jose State
The "Switzer Slam" is awarded to any program that wins the Fulmer Cup, national championship and Heisman Trophy in the same year, with a quarterback costing less than $250,000 (inflation adjusted). In 2011 Auburn became the first, and thus far only, recipient of the Switzer Slam. However, this title is disputed, as many believe Cam Newton cost more than $250,000.